She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
