My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
