If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
