I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
