Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize