At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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