just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
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You. Win. At. Life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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