my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
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