I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
