Non-Jews are for practice
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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