Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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