Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
