my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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