You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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