Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
