I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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