yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
