I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
