sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Randomize
