Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
