how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
