just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
