Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
