My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
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