So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
