this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Randomize
