The maid of honor just puked.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize