My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
