i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
