Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
