if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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