i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
You just made me feel so damn special
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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