Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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