got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize