so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
