I only kidnapped one of them. chill
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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