I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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