Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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