I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
