I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
