plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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