Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
