So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
