I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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