He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
