Got a toothbrush?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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