One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
