i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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