even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
