What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
