I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize