my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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