Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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