my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
