Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
