we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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