the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
