2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
