she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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