Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Four minutes until I can fart!
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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