is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
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