i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
